"When the motivation to be good runs dry the temptation to be bad shows up in the mirror staring at you with its vacuous eyes pleading with you to give yourself the attention you deserve."
Like anybody else I started out in this life a really good kid, but by the time I was a teenager I realized bad behavior got you further in life and I've been bouncing back & forth from each side of the tracks ever since. One day I'm the good cop fighting for truth justice and fairness and the next I'm the bar hopping misogynist shouting expletives and declaring territory. There's a battle brewing within all of us like two shareholders arguing over the future of our souls, or atleast it can feel that way at times. I've come to appreciate both the devil & the angel on my shoulder and try to put each of them to good use, but there are times when one has more of my ear then the other. Its at these times that I have to remember that neither of them know how to drive and just sit in the backseat doling out their biased opinions. You could give either of them the wheel and you'd find yourself broken down on the side of the road. The only difference is you'll either end up at a truck-stop bar or a good samaritan's couch. Frankly neither option works for me. Pure good is too boring and pure bad is wayyyy too rotten. I think the trick has been to ride the line through youth and then evolve towards being mostly good with your intentions and adding a few dashes of bad to spice up the pot and keep things interesting. But what about when you feel like you've gone from Good Cop to Good Dog or your Bad Cop devolves to just a BAD DOG?! My perspective may be distinctly masculine when I use these examples, so if you're a dude you may know what I'm saying and if you're a woman; hang tight because this may be a peak into the other side.
The very notion of bad & good has been argued philosophically/sociologically ever since we've been gathering around a fire and if either exist, then all we can say for sure is that both of them are here to stay in some form or another and religeon can only act as a guide. For me, the fight has always been with "why". Why do I care, Why should I, Why can't I, Why bother? These questions are louder when you're young, but as you age you have more control over your brain vehicle. You can't yell at the voices over giving you bad directions anymore. It's up to you to use your common sense. The real problem is you miss the old days when you were ignorant don't you? Making mistakes, giving out half hearted apologies and gettin on with it. Those days have passed and blissful ignorance can only be replaced by willful ignorance and that's just plain irresponsible. Your too old to be drunk on emotion, too old to pretend you don't know how things are gonna play out and too old to use the same tired excuses. You need to understand why and what your doing, or atleast you should. The problem is can you be a good cop without feeling like your just a good dog trying to appease others and earn your right to a piece of juicy steak instead of the same ol dry crunchy crap?
You have to do it for you. Having a muse is great at the start but in the end you will levy your behavior on whether they deserve you at your best and all that does is guarantee you will be a variant version of your better self. I'll pretend I know what you're thinking; "but what about my heroes, the icons...those that didn't give a shit and kicked ass all the way to the top?!" I can't answer that. You're right. They had a ton of fun, were probably forgiven for all their wrongs and some even cleaned up their act right before the final curtain. If you can manage that; do you. It's alot harder then it looks and not many come out in one piece.
So yer waiting for me to tell you why being good is the answer aren't you? Sorry, but I can't do that either. There is already way too much bad out there, so all I can suggest is for you to do yourself the favor of being cognizant of your decisions/ actions/behaviors and if in doing so you make some selfish choices or refuse to be patient and accepting, so be it, atleast you don't feel like yer a well behaved lap dog living in fear of punishment. You're the driver, so no matter how bad the angel wants you to stop and help that person with a flat tire or how loudly the lil devil shouts about the GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS sign you just drove past, you have to remember that neither of them know where you're going, and nor does anyone outside of you- so just treat them like the helpful travel buddies they are and enjoy your story, good and bad.
Tom Waits- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1V-sKVGDEiU&feature=related