Arts, culture, ideas & expression of a few wild art monkeys living in an arts loft in Jersey City.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Anger & the krinkled aura {Philosophy Break}

Anger- ever since I was a boy I was uncomfortable with it. As a kid I'd get very angry at my parents who I thought were confused as to which of us deserved strict punishments and which of us didnt. I was the first boy/2nd of 4. My sister was a terror. She was loud and indignant, domineering and brutal at times. She'd slap, hit, scream, slam doors and be downright mean even when she was playing teacher or with her Barbies. My first younger brother was also a handful. He was way too smart & confident at a young age and excelled at most things, but simultaneously had a rebellious edge that made him constantly challenge my parents. Both of my siblings went on to lead calmer more respectful lives while my younger brother & I became artists. The youngest attending film school.

Growing up was particularly challenging because I saw that misbehavior was rewarded in my home. Not on purpose per se' but inadvertantly my folks would choose the path of least resistance when they needed something done or werent in the mood to argue; Namely me. This in and of itself wasn't a huge deal, but I was always an active observer and I became keenly aware that the two of us that were demanding, aggressive and disrespectful often got what they wanted while those that were respectful, agreeable and passive were disrespected or taken advantage of. It was due to this that I harbored ALOT of anger for my parents. On far too many occassions I'd lay on my bed after pounding it mercilessly & stare up at the ceiling seething in anger over their lack of insight and appreciation for a child whom chose a more passive path. I was always had a sharp tongue and my anger manifested itself with quick witted comments and sly remarks. I'd get slapped or punished for 'my mouth' but it was worth it for a kid who felt he was being punished anyhow, might as well earn it, I thought. A characteristic I still exhibit in my day to day life.

As I got older I became more aware of the subtle telltale signs that I was seething. There'd be a feeling in my chest that was hot and burning, and a feeling in my head like I was intoxicated(this is before I even knew what alcohol tasted like) and it was all connected by this thing I couldn't quite "see" but saw anyway; like a krinkling of the air around me. It was colorless and without real form and anytime I tried to focus on it it would disappear, but it was there nonethless and I hated the way it felt, so as compelling as it was I worked at dispelling it as soon as possible. It wasnt just something you felt emotionally, I felt the krinkling and the crunching and I became fascinated by it from the moment I observed it. It would'nt be till I was in my mid twenties that I identified it possibly as the result of me seeing (from the inside) my own aura krinkle from the anger.
Dealing with anger changed over the years. Ignorance & anger work hand in hand and understanding what it must be like to raise 4 kids, to deal with 4 personalities and put them ahead of you is a challenge I'm not looking forward to. Even my understanding of punishment & rewarding behavior became a topic of interest for me and by the time I was halfway thru highschool started shedding the passive nice guy persona and decided that nice guys finish last. I began my own experiments in punishment & reward, but I'll leave that story for another time. Needless to say this helped with the anger because I wasn't being taken advantage of or disrespected anymore, but it's more of a distraction then a cure for anger. Even though I figured out a way to 'play the game' so to speak I'd still have bouts with anger which would rear its head from time to time, always coupled by the krinkling.

These days there arent so many krinkles happening in the aura, but when they come up its a challenge to reign them in. Anger & passion are intoxicating and men with anger issues are a dime a dozen in this world, so I do what i can to curb my own, but it isnt always easy and I'm far from a success story, believe me,. In the meantime, if you have your own interest in how anger effects you check out this article. It's the first time I've seen anything on what anger looks like covered in the news. I hope you'll read it.

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